Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Important airport information...

While at the airport, try to refrain from being an asshole. A few observations from my recent flight returning from Indiana.

1. i love the speed at which i can move on a moving walkway, all city sidewalks should be moving walkways. Nothing can ruin the thrill faster than someone who is not moving. i know it's the oldest airport question with unintentional philosophical connotations, but it is called a "Moving Walkway." Does it only imply the walkway itself is moving or it is made for those that are moving? i find it hard to believe that the sole intention for these devices was to give lazy people a break from having to move themselves. So when it becomes a standing walkway, i get annoyed. While it does give the option to stand on the right side, if you decide to stand side-by-side and not let me pass, i will turn that strip into a battle royal and throw you over the side.

2. Exiting a plane. When the plane comes to a complete stop, unless you are about to miss the only connecting flight to your final destination, your wife is giving birth to your first child or someone is on their deathbed, do not attempt to get off before those in the previous rows have exited. Unless granted permission and directed to do so by the person in front of you, your friendly stewardess, or God himself, there is no need for disrupting the flow.

3. These same people that are in such a rush to get off the plane are the same ones standing directly on top of the baggage claim carousel. No it is not an accident when i grab my luggage and it lands on your foot. Back the ef up and everyone can proceed to claim their luggage without a struggle. Not sure if you are aware, but the luggage will in fact go all the way around and come back out, it does not get engulfed in flames if not picked up on the first pass.

i'm not sure if this is a picture of A) what happens if you don't push past the rows in front of you and rush to the baggage claim area or B) this is the back room of the baggage carousel where luggage piles up if not picked up on the first pass.

4. Respect those stuck sitting bitch. While every seat has two arm rests, not all arm rests are exclusive for just one seat (at least on the flights i can afford). That means if you are sitting in the middle of two a-holes or two extra large folks who spill on to your arm rests, you are stuck doing the elbows-t0-ribs dance (go ahead and touch your sides with your elbows, i like to complete this move by sticking my thumbs up and rocking side to side on the dance floor). A logical solution should be everyone gets their armrest furthest away from the aisle based on the fact that using the aisle armrest usually results in battered elbows and the window seat has a whole wall to lean on.

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